Our concession stand features popcorn so buttery it could file for workers’ comp, slushies filled with Red 40, and pretzels the size of steering wheels. Our chip selection is only the best Cool Ranch Doritos filled with 90% air, and aisles are designed to fit the largest movie enjoyers. (we had to or else our owner could not fit)
At Simpleton Cinema, our Premium Movie Experience delivers top-tier entertainment with comfort and chaos in perfect balance. Every auditorium boasts towering screens so sharp you’ll question reality, surround sound that gently rattles your organs, and cupholders large enough for drinks that could legally count as hydration plans. We’ve widened every aisle, reinforced every armrest, and ensured our amenities are accessible and enjoyable for movie lovers of all sizes. It’s not just a showing — it’s a cinematic event powered by passion, and whatever popcorn CaseOh found on the floor from the last movie.
Our recliners are rated for our largest film addicts. Each one supports up to 900 pounds and comes with reinforced leg rests for optimal nacho reach. Whether you’re watching an action flick or taking a mid-movie nap, we’ve got the space, comfort, and lumbar forgiveness you deserve.
Join our loyalty club for free refills, early access to fake showtimes, and the satisfaction of having your name flash on the big screen during intermission. Membership cards are extra-large because regular ones kept disappearing into wallets.
Every great empire starts with a dream, and Simpleton Cinema began with Caseoh—man, myth, and movie enthusiast with the attention span of a microwave timer. After years of managing virtual water parks, food chains, and whatever else he could accidentally set on fire, Caseoh turned his focus to the silver screen. His mission? To build a theatre experience where everyone feels welcome, no one leaves hungry, and the butter pump is always within reach. Under his leadership, Simpleton Cinema has become a beacon of comfort, comedy, and controlled disaster. When asked about his management philosophy, Caseoh simply said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t patch it until after the next showing.”
At Simpleton Cinema, every spilled soda and dropped popcorn bucket tells a story, but our guests tell it better. From glowing praise about our butter distribution system to passionate debates over who turned the thermostat to “volcano,” these reviews are the heart of our theatre. We proudly feature feedback from movie lovers of all shapes, sizes, and snack capacities. Whether you came for the film or just for the air conditioning, we want to hear your story, and yes, we do moderate reviews, mostly to hide the ones about our owners behavior.
This month’s honor goes to Isaac, the unsung hero who keeps Simpleton Cinema running smoother than our butter dispensers. Whether he’s printing tickets at light speed, restocking concessions between customer stampedes, or bravely defusing yet another outburst from our emotionally volatile owner, Isaac handles it all with unmatched professionalism and only minimal trauma. His ability to sell popcorn, calm chaos, and reboot the ticket printer three times an hour makes him an indispensable part of our dysfunctional family. Congratulations, Isaac — you’ve truly earned your complimentary slushie (limit one flavor, no refills).
At Simpleton Cinema, we’re proud to offer bathrooms that meet our own unique standards of cleanliness. Most fixtures work most of the time, and the lighting provides a cinematic glow that hides the finer details. Our dedicated cleaning staff does their best to stay on top of things, even if “on top” sometimes means a few hours behind. The floors are occasionally mopped, the mirrors reflect something close to reality, and if you find extra soap, consider it a luxury feature. It’s all part of the authentic Simpleton experience.
